Infertility and Me

We made it through the holidays pretty much unscathed!  There were a few FB pregnancy announcements, a couple births, and some uncomfortable family get-togethers, but all in all things went well.  As I look back at 2009, I’m pretty surprised that I even made it through.  As I have said before, it is probably one of the toughest years of my life.  It’s always been said, that “what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”.  I believe in this, and am living proof.  These tough times, while they have pushed Jess and I away from family, and friends, has only made the relationship between the 2 of us stronger.  I just hope those close to us, realize, that we will not be like this forever.  Our pain will go away.  This might sound selfish, but right now we need to focus on ourselves, and each other.  We love each and every one of you and would do anything for all of you.  The healing process has already begun, and we are moving forward into the New Year. 

When you think about Jan 1, resolutions come to mind.  This new year I am taking time to reflect on the blessings of the past year, and also taking time to look ahead at the year to come. It’s sort of like a rebirth that allows me to let things go and start over just as a new year starts.  It is time to move on!  My resolutions are to let go of the pain, frustration, and sadness.  Rebuild relationships with those closest to us.  Become normal again!! 

The new year is also going to quickly remind us of  our desire to become parents.  Things are going to start moving quickly.  Our Docs are planning another cycle for the end of February.  This one will, however, have an alternate route.  In the event that the “Hail Mary” pass that Clomid has thrown, is not caught, Donor Sperm will hopefully pick up the ball and score.  We have finally come to the resolve that these are our family building options, and Donor Sperm is most likely the path we will end up on.  For a while, I was just ok with this.  I pushed it to the side and pretended I was much happier than I actually was about it.  I kept thinking that Donor Sperm was a “backup”, when in all reality, this has always been the path we were meant to take, the path that was chosen for us.  With the reality of the situation, and the last year to reflect on, I have embraced this path and planned my route accordingly.  There is nothing either of us can do to change the circumstances.  We have to play the cards dealt to us.  All I know is that I will never regret anything the last year has brought us.  The failed sperm retrievals, surgery, OHSS, jabbing Jess needlessly with sharp objects, me being completely wacky on Clomid.  I would never want to look back and think, what if?

I wish everyone a Happy New Year, and hope you all get everything you desire in 2010!  Oh, and I almost forgot, babies for everyone in 2010!!

Not much to report here.  I had my follow up with the doc, who gave us a better timeline.  We are looking at trying a cycle (with donor back up of course) around late February early March (this most likely means April, as nothing ever goes as planned).  He wants a full 5 or 6 months of the clomid, to increase any chances of me producing sperm.  Along with our talk, I gave my customary gallon of blood, as well as the ever so pleasant and may I add popular, Ol’ Jingle Jingle that comes with every visit to the urologist, but leaves me tender for a couple days!  How many people can say they had another man fondle their nuts on their wedding anniversary!! 

 Anyway, I got the phone call of my blood results yesterday.  It seems I am completely on track with the clomid.  The reference ranges for testosterone are approximately between 200 – 800 ng/dl.  My levels in Feb of 09 were 364 ng/dl.  They pretty much stayed right around there until after my varicocele surgery.  They first retested me on 10/13 with a result of 417 ng/dl.  I began taking the clomid on 10/19 and I was retested on 11/10 with a result of 574 ng/dl.  I know that testosterone levels fluctuate throughout the day, and I’m no doc, but I’ve never had a result over 400, so the clomid must be working.  The doc directed me to continue with the same dose I’ve been taking, and come back in 2 months.  Has anyone else in the infertility world noticed that it’s never days or weeks, waits always come in multiple months.  That officially closes out 2009 for infertility docs, blood draws, and scrotal exams (thank God on that last one), and goes down as one the crappiest (is that even a word) years of my life.  This does however mean, that it can only get better from here!!  Once you hit the bottom, the only thing left is up!!

On another note, Jess and I made the appointment with the Infertility counselor.  We will be going in the beginning of December to discuss our family building options, and whatever else they do there (I will probably end up institutionalized at the end of that meeting.  Then again, I am probably no more crazy than the next person dealing with all this.  I’m pretty sure this counselor has dealt with people that are bat-shit crazy.  Infertility can definitely have that affect on you!!). I think it will be really good for us.  Hopefully it will lower the stress, and prepare us for the tough choices we are going to  have to make for our family.  I know I’ve said we are both for the donor sperm, and we still are, but it is still tough emotionally.  I want us both, never to regret any decisions that we have made, or will make in the future.  Regardless of the decisions we do make, as long as it comes from the both of us, I’m sure it will be the correct one.

The whole doctor free summer thing got shot to hell yesterday.  I was finally ready to return to work.  I made it in and quickly realized there was a problem.  I emailed Jess and told her she needed to call the doc and see what I should do.  At around 1:30, I was on the yellow brick road to Hackensack.  6 hours into to my 24 hour shift I had to call it quits.  Things were happening “down there”, that were not only embarrasing, but very uncomfortable.  I have come to the conclusion, that with all the probing, poking, and whatever else I have had done in my pants, that I have no shame anymore.  It was a little embarrasing to tell the boss and my co-workers why I was leaving, but I did it anyway.  Maybe I’ll get a “cool”  nickname like pee pee pants or something.  Anyway, Jess came with me on this trip.  We got to the office around 3,  and saw the doc.   He wasn’t  too sure why I was having problem, as his operation was not near anything in the urinary tract.  He was definitely sure there was some kind of problem, because during his examination, I was dripping on him!  I did a standard “pee in the cup” test for a urine culture for infection.  That won’t be back for a couple days, but he is convinced there is an infection.  Either some type of urinary tract, or prostate infection.  I think the real problem with this is that  I had this problem for about two weeks.  I attributed it to the surgery, and things just not being right down there.  I didn’t even mention it at the post-op visit.  I guess I really didn’t think about it until yesterday, when it got bad.  I am a complete idiot, that now has to take Cipro for 2 weeks.  There is nothing worse than strong antibiotics over long periods of time!!

Lately, I do not have any luck!  And now the doc has taken me out of work for another 2 weeks.  I’m slowly but surely losing my mind!!

I had my post-op checkup today.  This was the first time I traveled up to Hackensack by myself.  Jess couldn’t get out of work so I was on my own.  It wasn’t too exciting, and no new groundbreaking news.  My doc said the incisions were healing good, and that everything was on the right track.  We discussed the results of the biopsies, and he reiterated that no sperm doesn’t mean any sperm in the future.  He is leaning towards eventually finding something, because of past tests that did find sperm.  He said he knew one thing for sure, was that the areas he took for the biopsy were spermless.  He also drew some more blood, for a chromosome microdeletion test.  The next step is healing.  The varicocele repair won’t show anything for at least 4 months.  I’m set to resume my Hackensack travels in October.  After that, he indicated that there could be more MTESE’s as finding sperm could be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  I guess we’ll have to wait see.  It think it will be nice to have a doctor free summer! 

I started to feeling much today better. It seems as though I have turned the corner on healing and pain.  I still have some pain, but I am able to get around with no problem anymore.  It might be slow, but it is movement.  I cut down the pain meds to once a day (at night), and have decided to deal with morning pain.  For some reason, the pain is pretty bad in the morning.  I have been getting up, and having to just sit for about 20 minutes until the pain subsides.  After those 20 minutes, I’m fine.  I think the one thing that really helps with the pain is the athletic supporter (I apologize to any men who read this, I had to link it!! The wikipedia images for jock strap are classic.  No one looks like that!!) the doc sent me home with.  Before I had the surgery, I was insistent on the idea that I did not need to wear one, and that I would be fine.  Once again, I was wrong!!  I am now on day #6 of swallowing my pride.  It really does help with the pain.  It is very uncomfortable though.  Anyone who has ever played a sport that requires one could understand.  Imagine wearing it non stop for 6 days.  I don’t even need to explain what could, and is happening!!  I think  I am going to start not using it when I am just sitting around. I will however put it back on when I have to tend to my sidekick.

With Jess returning to work, I am forced to get up and get some things done on my own.  One thing that keeps me moving is my sidekick.  She is a 29lb out of control Puggle named Keena.  She keeps me busy, and I think she knows that I’m not 100% because she has been very good on walks, and is very gentle (which is not normal) inside.  Isn’t it weird how dogs just know things? 

Keena

 On another, more disgusting note, now have two tennis balls between my legs.  They are swollen, and not happy!  I feel for Jess, because she is still assisting with changing dressings.  Poor thing has to look at my deformed area and not crack any jokes.  I could only imagine what is running through head during these lovely moments.  She’s a champ!