Infertility and Me

Ok, so 2010 is here!!  Woo Hoo, the year of the baby, as I am calling it.  New dreams, new goals, but same reality!!  Yep, I’m still infertile.  Oh well, I was holding out for the sperm fairy to come at the stroke of midnight and sprinkle baby dust on my nether regions!!  Doesn’t look like that happened, but I’ll have a concrete answer soon enough!  I had an appointment with the urologist on Tuesday.

We took our hour long trip up to Hackensack, to see the only man I willingly let touch the boys!!  Nothing groundbreaking here, got the usual squeeze, and multiple vials of blood (No dinner and a movie though!).  The real news is that he is on board for one last attempt at sperm retrieval at the end of February.  It looks a though it will be the same surgery I had in June, minus the varicocele repair.  I’m calling it the last hoooorah, the old slice and dice!  This will coincide with an IVF cycle for Jess and include donor sperm (Which we have yet to pick.  This is a post for another day).  We have decided that this will be the last attempt at sperm retreival from me.  I’m assuming you can only do it so many times, before you start damaging things down there.  Not that it would make much of a difference, they don’t work all that well anyway!

With February right around the corner, it’s gonna get busy here very soon.  I have another semenalysis this coming Monday.  I’m not too sure why, but who wouldn’t want “produce” a sample in a completely uncomfortable environment.  I live for this kind of thing!  I lost the ability to be embarrased a loooong time ago!!  The only thing left is for Jess to get that pesky monthly friend.  When this happens, the coutdown begins, as well as the weekly, and then daily trips to the RE.  I can’t wait till I can poke her with needles again!! 

We made it through the holidays pretty much unscathed!  There were a few FB pregnancy announcements, a couple births, and some uncomfortable family get-togethers, but all in all things went well.  As I look back at 2009, I’m pretty surprised that I even made it through.  As I have said before, it is probably one of the toughest years of my life.  It’s always been said, that “what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”.  I believe in this, and am living proof.  These tough times, while they have pushed Jess and I away from family, and friends, has only made the relationship between the 2 of us stronger.  I just hope those close to us, realize, that we will not be like this forever.  Our pain will go away.  This might sound selfish, but right now we need to focus on ourselves, and each other.  We love each and every one of you and would do anything for all of you.  The healing process has already begun, and we are moving forward into the New Year. 

When you think about Jan 1, resolutions come to mind.  This new year I am taking time to reflect on the blessings of the past year, and also taking time to look ahead at the year to come. It’s sort of like a rebirth that allows me to let things go and start over just as a new year starts.  It is time to move on!  My resolutions are to let go of the pain, frustration, and sadness.  Rebuild relationships with those closest to us.  Become normal again!! 

The new year is also going to quickly remind us of  our desire to become parents.  Things are going to start moving quickly.  Our Docs are planning another cycle for the end of February.  This one will, however, have an alternate route.  In the event that the “Hail Mary” pass that Clomid has thrown, is not caught, Donor Sperm will hopefully pick up the ball and score.  We have finally come to the resolve that these are our family building options, and Donor Sperm is most likely the path we will end up on.  For a while, I was just ok with this.  I pushed it to the side and pretended I was much happier than I actually was about it.  I kept thinking that Donor Sperm was a “backup”, when in all reality, this has always been the path we were meant to take, the path that was chosen for us.  With the reality of the situation, and the last year to reflect on, I have embraced this path and planned my route accordingly.  There is nothing either of us can do to change the circumstances.  We have to play the cards dealt to us.  All I know is that I will never regret anything the last year has brought us.  The failed sperm retrievals, surgery, OHSS, jabbing Jess needlessly with sharp objects, me being completely wacky on Clomid.  I would never want to look back and think, what if?

I wish everyone a Happy New Year, and hope you all get everything you desire in 2010!  Oh, and I almost forgot, babies for everyone in 2010!!

Not much to report here.  I had my follow up with the doc, who gave us a better timeline.  We are looking at trying a cycle (with donor back up of course) around late February early March (this most likely means April, as nothing ever goes as planned).  He wants a full 5 or 6 months of the clomid, to increase any chances of me producing sperm.  Along with our talk, I gave my customary gallon of blood, as well as the ever so pleasant and may I add popular, Ol’ Jingle Jingle that comes with every visit to the urologist, but leaves me tender for a couple days!  How many people can say they had another man fondle their nuts on their wedding anniversary!! 

 Anyway, I got the phone call of my blood results yesterday.  It seems I am completely on track with the clomid.  The reference ranges for testosterone are approximately between 200 – 800 ng/dl.  My levels in Feb of 09 were 364 ng/dl.  They pretty much stayed right around there until after my varicocele surgery.  They first retested me on 10/13 with a result of 417 ng/dl.  I began taking the clomid on 10/19 and I was retested on 11/10 with a result of 574 ng/dl.  I know that testosterone levels fluctuate throughout the day, and I’m no doc, but I’ve never had a result over 400, so the clomid must be working.  The doc directed me to continue with the same dose I’ve been taking, and come back in 2 months.  Has anyone else in the infertility world noticed that it’s never days or weeks, waits always come in multiple months.  That officially closes out 2009 for infertility docs, blood draws, and scrotal exams (thank God on that last one), and goes down as one the crappiest (is that even a word) years of my life.  This does however mean, that it can only get better from here!!  Once you hit the bottom, the only thing left is up!!

On another note, Jess and I made the appointment with the Infertility counselor.  We will be going in the beginning of December to discuss our family building options, and whatever else they do there (I will probably end up institutionalized at the end of that meeting.  Then again, I am probably no more crazy than the next person dealing with all this.  I’m pretty sure this counselor has dealt with people that are bat-shit crazy.  Infertility can definitely have that affect on you!!). I think it will be really good for us.  Hopefully it will lower the stress, and prepare us for the tough choices we are going to  have to make for our family.  I know I’ve said we are both for the donor sperm, and we still are, but it is still tough emotionally.  I want us both, never to regret any decisions that we have made, or will make in the future.  Regardless of the decisions we do make, as long as it comes from the both of us, I’m sure it will be the correct one.

I’ve been back to work for a week now.  I am finally almost back to normal.  I would say 99%.  Every now and again if I move the wrong the way the boys give me a little reminder of what they went through.  I would say this is the official start of the doctor free summer.  Nothing to do, but sit back relax and heal.  No appointments, no cups to fill, no blood tests, no dropping the drawers, or manhandling of the boys.  (The last of which I am very happy about.)  This will however, not be a infertility free summer.  Regardless of how hard Jess and I try, and knowing that  there is nothing we can do till October,  there is no way to forget the fact that I am spermally challenged!  It stays with us everyday.  Some days we joke about it, and others we hurt.  Our roller coaster ride of infertility has had more ups than downs lately.  We both try to stay positive, and when things do get bad, we remind each other that we are in this together.  We chose to be together before infertility.  In good times and bad, sickness and health, till death do us part!  I look at infertility as a bump in the road of our lives together.  We haven’t figured out how to get over it yet, but the ride up to it has made us stronger as a couple.  We WILL get over the bump!  It might not be the outcome that we wish for, but dammit, we Will get over the bump together!!   

I Love You Jess, and I couldn’t do this without you!!

I had my post-op checkup today.  This was the first time I traveled up to Hackensack by myself.  Jess couldn’t get out of work so I was on my own.  It wasn’t too exciting, and no new groundbreaking news.  My doc said the incisions were healing good, and that everything was on the right track.  We discussed the results of the biopsies, and he reiterated that no sperm doesn’t mean any sperm in the future.  He is leaning towards eventually finding something, because of past tests that did find sperm.  He said he knew one thing for sure, was that the areas he took for the biopsy were spermless.  He also drew some more blood, for a chromosome microdeletion test.  The next step is healing.  The varicocele repair won’t show anything for at least 4 months.  I’m set to resume my Hackensack travels in October.  After that, he indicated that there could be more MTESE’s as finding sperm could be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  I guess we’ll have to wait see.  It think it will be nice to have a doctor free summer!