Infertility and Me

Today was Jess’ first day this cycle to do her injections alone.  I am at work and wont be home until tomorrow morning.  From what I could get over the phone, she was having the normal headaches, hot and cold spells, and tummy aches.  Today’s new symptom is uncontrollable emotions.  This is the symptom I don’t like, especially when I’m not there to get her through it.  We both went to bed early.  She has her first ultrasound for this cycle (after starting stimulation meds) tomorrow morning.  Let’s hope for a bunch good measurable follicles!!

Today’s Meds – Jess’ Injections – Menopur(2 vials and 1/2 cc diluent) and Follistim (300Units).  Kenny  200mg  of doxycycline

To start out I would like to welcome anyone here from ICLW!!  You came here right at the perfect time!!  Please forgive these boring posts (that I’m spewing out everyday).  Especially the three I shot out today, which according to the date of this post, is actually tomorrow.  That would make today, yesterday or, vice -versa.  Now that the confusion is cleared up, the reason I’m dumping a bunch of posts on you at once, is because I fell a little behind in writing when we got started with the stimulation meds. 

Anyway, we are currently involved in a cycle, and I like to try to document everything.  Yep, that means annoying, daily posts, that only provide information.  I’ll try and throw some emotions and humor in every once in a while, but I’m not promising anything!!  So lets get to the meat and potatoes for today!!

Jess decided to do her injection tonight a little earlier than last night.  I think the same thing happened last cycle.  The meds are making her have some trouble sleeping.  The last cycle, we pushed them 15 minutes earlier each day until she felt comfortable when she went to bed.  Nothing else ground breaking to report, some hot and cold flashes, injection site pain, etc…  Jess is again taking it like a champ.  She does her shots and gets right back to doing what she was doing.  For me, on the other hand, I am a big baby.  I don’t have to inject myself with anything with any adverse reactions, I only have to take my doxycycline and then complain about how it upsets my stomach.  I want sympathy too!!! 

Today’s Meds – Jess’ Injections – Menopur(2 vials and 1/2 cc diluent) and Follistim (300Units).  Kenny  200mg of stomach splitting doxycycline!!!!!!

Last week was a big week for Jess and I.  Jess was already a week into BCP’s, and the IVF window was closing in on us.  I can’t remember if it was Monday or Tuesday, but whichever day it was, I’ll never forget it.

The day started like any other.  Jess was at work, and the sidekick (our furbaby Keena) and I were home getting ready for blizzard #2 in a 5 day span.  I was still quarantined home and out on workers comp from the whole MRSA debacle.  We were both aware that things were going to start ramping up in the next couple of weeks, but we weren’t ready for the phone call from the RE this soon.  We hadn’t even done our orientation yet.  Jess got the phone call and immediately her heart sunk.  The RE pushed the cycle to start much sooner than we were expecting.  They also made us aware that our donor baby batter must be there by the 19th.  This is when I got the phone call from Jess.  I immediately knew there was something wrong from the tone of her voice.  I didn’t put 2 and 2 together at first, and wondered why I could sense fear and sadness in her tone.  I realized about an hour later what the problem was.  We were still waiting for Mr. Rights’s baby batter to be released from quarantine (There was a chance that it wouldn’t happen at all, because the donor was thinking of moving out of state).  We knew we would have to make a decision someday, just not that day.  Immediately we both began to panic.  I never knew frozen sperm could cause so much anxiety. 

We were back to square one, and needed to choose a donor, and it needed to be done really fast.  I couldn’t believe it.  After all that has happened over the past couple years I figured, it would just work out this time.  As the day went on I could tell Jess’ sanity was deteriorating, just by the sound of her voice.  Every timeI spoke with her on the phone, my heart broke a little more.  We never even brought it up to each other.  I’m guessing we both just didn’t want to crack, and would discuss it in person.  Everything came to stand still when I got another phone call as Jess was leaving work. 

I answered the phone, and could hear sobbing.  I knew she was crying.  My first thought was that she had got into some kind of accident.  She continued to cry and was unable to really make out what she wanted to say.  I began to get upset and was trying to calm her down.  She finally settled down a bit and said that the sperm shop had called and left a message.  I was relieved that she was safe and sound, but began to have a deep feeling of sadness as I started coming up with my own conclusions.  The time was probably only a couple of seconds, but I was able to come up with every possible negative scenario in my head.  Things have just not gone our way lately so I was preparing myself for the next hit.  My tears began to well up, and I fought the urge to breakdown.  I wasn’t letting infertility take me down again!  Not this time!  We would figure it out, and in the worst case scenario, push the cycle off until we could come up with a decision. 

The next words that came through the phone changed everything.  I gave up fighting the tears, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  Jess let them out mid cry.  They were unexpected, and will be cemented in my brain for the rest of my life.  These few words changed everything.  I cant remember word for word what they were but in my mind they were this, “Our Donors sperm has been released!”, this was followed by a full out cry from Jess.  It was a cry of happiness.  A cry that hasn’t happened in a very long time.  My body was filled with emotion, and I finally felt good.  I couldn’t wait for her to get home so we could finally embrace in happiness.  We did hug it out, but our focus quickly changed to ordering the baby batter.  Neither of us were willing to waste a single second, for fear that this happiness would be taken away.  Everything was ordered, and we finally were able to breathe a sigh of relief.  The only thing that was dented from this transaction was our bank account.  $3,225 down….and very little to show for it.  But we have never been happier! 

You know your infertile when the only two options you have upon AF’s arrival are, celebration, or crying!  In our case, it’s a celebration this time.  This is the start of our next cycle.  It’s  2 months late, but hey, better late than never.  I am going with the, “It’s all happening for a reason”, thing.  For one, we would have been screwed with our donor choice (we still might be).  This just buys us a little more time in the wait for Mr. Right’s baby batter to be released from quarantine, or whatever big word they call it, at the one stop sperm shop! 

I have to call “Time Out” on this post (explanation below)

Ok, I started writing this post this morning when I got the exciting email announcement of the dreaded, but welcome, visit from AF.  About two hours later, I got a much more somber email, of a False AF Alarm!!  Currently it is 1pm, and AF is a go again!!  Don’t ask!!  All I know is, that is one sneaky bitch!!  She is playing a game of monkey in the middle with Jessi. 

OK, Time In! 

In regards to getting what we want, It’s like playing in a super bowl pool (had to do a super bowl reference since it’s on Sunday).  The names are all in the boxes, but the numbers have yet to be drawn.  It’s all luck.  If this is any indication of our outcome, it’s not looking too good.  I never win any of those damn pools!!  Anyway, we still haven’t picked a backup for the backup.  I think we are going to let it ride, and hope for the best.  If not it should make for an exciting, last minute scramble to the sperm shop to choose just the right concoction of baby batter.  I’m guessing we’ll find out more tomorrow, as Jessi has a date with the RE and his vast collection of scary “tools”!

If this is the real deal, things are going to start to get real interesting around here.  For now, it’s all donor wishes, and IVF dreams!!!

The Doc isn’t giving up on me yet!!

I went to my appointment with mixed feelings.  In one hand I had a great big, heavy, smelly pile of crap (that’s my metaphor for giving up).  In the other was tiny speck of optimism.  The only thing that was running through my head was the Doc giving me the old, “There’s Nothing More I Can Do” speech.  I was pleasantly surprised when giving up on me was not on his agenda at all. 

When Jess and I first met this Doc, the first thing we told him was that we wanted him to be aggressive.  We wanted to try everything possible.  He is on board!  As for our next step, I’m not too sure.  We are currently waiting on more blood test results, and I might possibly be going on a medication route in order to try and stimulate something.  We discussed a future second biopsy, and agree that this will be our best chance to find something.  If I do end up taking the meds, it will be another 3 month wait, with lots of fun blood tests in order to regulate them.  This would put us into 2010 before Jess would start another cycle. 

Regardless of the outcome, we will be setting up another try at sperm retrieval to coincide with any IVF cycles.  We will, however, need to have a  backup for any future IVF cycles.  This brings us to the ever so fun and exciting expedition that is, sperm shopping.  Jess and I haven’t really focused on this yet.  We have only dipped our feet in the waters, and quickly pulled them out because they are way too cold.  Eventually, we are going to have dive right in.  This was the hardest thing for me to think about in the beginning.  I couldn’t come to terms with purchasing someone else’s baby batter.  I was even on the fence up until my last semenalysis.  It’s getting easier, every day,  and the more and more I think about.  Now, I didn’t come up with this one myself, but I figure that my little side-kick Keena didn’t come from either Jess or I, let alone the human species, but she is a part of our family, and we love her like a daughter (I’m a big sap when it comes to my dog).

 What I have realized is that regardless of who the sperm comes from, that I will be one changing the diapers.  I will be one the one to teach the baby how to walk and talk.  I will be the one share to all the special moments.  I will be the one to be there during the great times, and the tough times.  I will be the one there when they find their first love, and when suffer their first loss.  I will be the dad, and there isn’t anything that could take that away from me!

This is why I live by the quote on my homepage.

“Life isn’t about trying to weather the storm, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”  -unknown