Infertility and Me

This past Monday was probably my last SA.  Needless to say, the results were the same.  BIG FAT ZERO!!  Regardless of how many times I say I am prepared, it always hurts a little to hear it.  Sometimes, I just wish I didn’t care so much.  It’s really draining continually getting bad news.  I’m just tired.  Physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I’ve moved on though.  Even though I feel disconnected at times, I have my sights set to the future, and refuse to look back.  This last SA has really prepared me for the next cycle, which will inevitably end up with donor sperm for our baby batter.  I’m at peace with the decision, and will have no regrets.  I tried everything!!!  The last try will be the attempt at sperm retrieval (ouch!!) to coincide with Jess’ cycle.

On Wednesday, we took our first step towards our next cycle only to be slapped in the face, and pushed back (again!).  It seems that Jess’ monthly friend decided not to come for a visit this month (of course).  I know what your gonna say, and have heard it already, so please just don’t!  It is scientifically, physically, mathematically, and whatever other big word that ends with ally, impossible for Jess to be pregnant.  Unless this is a whole Mary the immaculate virgin kinda thing, let me repeat, it is impossible!!!!    The whole “Well, maybe your pregnant”, is not what we want to hear right now!  To be frank, it’s quite distracting, and a little rude.  Even the RE didn’t go there when we had our consult for the next cycle.  Anyway, we wanted to get things moving this week and hopefully have a date for sometime late February, early March.  Depending on when her menses comes, will determine when we can get this show on the road.  It’s not like Jess to miss it either, she has been regular her entire life.  It’s just the next hurdle thrown in the path that needs to be cleared.  Hopefully it is sooner than later! 

While we were at our consult, we discussed all the procedures I’ve had, as well as the donor stuff.  Our RE even called his embryologist to make sure we were picking from a reputable  company.  She gave us a big thumbs up which was a relief!  We have already spent sooooooo much time narrowing down the companies, down to the 2 donors we like.  To have to start that all over again would not only be a pain in the ass, but a deep blow to the gut as well. 

We both had blood drawn, and were sent on our way to wait for the gift that keeps on giving, old AF!!!!!  So, if possible, I need everyone to do the period dance and pray to the menstrual gods!  Maybe that will get the ball rolling!!

Before I go, I have to get this out of my head.  While I was writing this post, a song came on the radio, that really made me think about the last year and how I could have never made it through this with anyone else.  I’m not so good with words, so this will have to do.  Jess, this is exactly how I feel.

“You Raise Me Up”

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.

There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.

*Written By Rolf Lovland and Brendan Graham, Performed by Josh Groban*

Ok, so 2010 is here!!  Woo Hoo, the year of the baby, as I am calling it.  New dreams, new goals, but same reality!!  Yep, I’m still infertile.  Oh well, I was holding out for the sperm fairy to come at the stroke of midnight and sprinkle baby dust on my nether regions!!  Doesn’t look like that happened, but I’ll have a concrete answer soon enough!  I had an appointment with the urologist on Tuesday.

We took our hour long trip up to Hackensack, to see the only man I willingly let touch the boys!!  Nothing groundbreaking here, got the usual squeeze, and multiple vials of blood (No dinner and a movie though!).  The real news is that he is on board for one last attempt at sperm retrieval at the end of February.  It looks a though it will be the same surgery I had in June, minus the varicocele repair.  I’m calling it the last hoooorah, the old slice and dice!  This will coincide with an IVF cycle for Jess and include donor sperm (Which we have yet to pick.  This is a post for another day).  We have decided that this will be the last attempt at sperm retreival from me.  I’m assuming you can only do it so many times, before you start damaging things down there.  Not that it would make much of a difference, they don’t work all that well anyway!

With February right around the corner, it’s gonna get busy here very soon.  I have another semenalysis this coming Monday.  I’m not too sure why, but who wouldn’t want “produce” a sample in a completely uncomfortable environment.  I live for this kind of thing!  I lost the ability to be embarrased a loooong time ago!!  The only thing left is for Jess to get that pesky monthly friend.  When this happens, the coutdown begins, as well as the weekly, and then daily trips to the RE.  I can’t wait till I can poke her with needles again!! 

The Doc isn’t giving up on me yet!!

I went to my appointment with mixed feelings.  In one hand I had a great big, heavy, smelly pile of crap (that’s my metaphor for giving up).  In the other was tiny speck of optimism.  The only thing that was running through my head was the Doc giving me the old, “There’s Nothing More I Can Do” speech.  I was pleasantly surprised when giving up on me was not on his agenda at all. 

When Jess and I first met this Doc, the first thing we told him was that we wanted him to be aggressive.  We wanted to try everything possible.  He is on board!  As for our next step, I’m not too sure.  We are currently waiting on more blood test results, and I might possibly be going on a medication route in order to try and stimulate something.  We discussed a future second biopsy, and agree that this will be our best chance to find something.  If I do end up taking the meds, it will be another 3 month wait, with lots of fun blood tests in order to regulate them.  This would put us into 2010 before Jess would start another cycle. 

Regardless of the outcome, we will be setting up another try at sperm retrieval to coincide with any IVF cycles.  We will, however, need to have a  backup for any future IVF cycles.  This brings us to the ever so fun and exciting expedition that is, sperm shopping.  Jess and I haven’t really focused on this yet.  We have only dipped our feet in the waters, and quickly pulled them out because they are way too cold.  Eventually, we are going to have dive right in.  This was the hardest thing for me to think about in the beginning.  I couldn’t come to terms with purchasing someone else’s baby batter.  I was even on the fence up until my last semenalysis.  It’s getting easier, every day,  and the more and more I think about.  Now, I didn’t come up with this one myself, but I figure that my little side-kick Keena didn’t come from either Jess or I, let alone the human species, but she is a part of our family, and we love her like a daughter (I’m a big sap when it comes to my dog).

 What I have realized is that regardless of who the sperm comes from, that I will be one changing the diapers.  I will be one the one to teach the baby how to walk and talk.  I will be the one share to all the special moments.  I will be the one to be there during the great times, and the tough times.  I will be the one there when they find their first love, and when suffer their first loss.  I will be the dad, and there isn’t anything that could take that away from me!

This is why I live by the quote on my homepage.

“Life isn’t about trying to weather the storm, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”  -unknown

As you can see from the title, yesterdays results were not good.  Actually, they were terrible.  I got a big fat zero on that test, and I swear I studied!!  Anyway, this brings me to the “What’s next?” question.  This question is constantly brought up when dealing with infertlility.  There’s always another road to travel, a new technique to try, always another next!  Unfortunately, I’m pretty stumped on that question.  I’m not too sure what is next.  I’ll be sure to post it when we figure it out.  I’m heading back to my wonderful urologists office on Tuesday, so I might have an answer by then.  All I know is that I’m not giving up.  I will be a father, no matter route we go.  If the first 5 times Iwas told that I was spermally challenged didn’t take me out the of game, then this is just another bump in the road.  I’m keeping my head up this time, and channeling the pain and grief into determination.

The summer has ended, and we are well into fall.  With that comes the return of anxiety, car rides to Hackensack, trips to doctors, good days, bad days, and even the occasional sperm sample.  With that in mind, I return to the roller coaster that is IVF, and Male Infertility (tomorrow).  A short trip to the lab to “produce”, and leave my sample will start the whole process over again.  I don’t know if I’m looking forward to it or not.  I definitely want to get the ball rolling, but I am afraid to be heartbroken again.  Each time I promise myself that I won’t let it happen, but the bad news breaks me.  I think I am going into this one with more of a let’s see if the surgery was worth it attitude, rather than my life is over, I can’t father a child, I’m worthless, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, attitude.  I have it pretty set in my mind that I’m going to get the same results as previous semenanalysis’, but there is always that little bit of hope that grabs you at the last second just to let you down.

Wish Me Luck!!