Jun 24 2009

Another Day, Another Phone Call, More Bad News!

My slow reaction time, and even slower walking, made me miss an important phone call yesterday.  It was the Doc.  Thankfully, he left a message.  I wasn’t expecting him to call so soon, as he said any pathology results would take about week to get.  I listened to the message, and my heart sank into my stomach, again.  I don’t know what I was expecting.  I thought I had prepared myself to hear it, and not be phased.  I kept thinking that I’m not letting this get me down again, but the same five words that has torn me apart over and over again, did not get any easier to hear.

“We didn’t find any sperm”

I went through the same emotions I have gone through every time I hear this.  Anger, Pain, questions like Why?, How?, What do you mean?  I went through thoughts of –  great, I had this dumb surgery, that has put me in so much pain, taken me out of work, disrupted my entire life, for no reason.  How could this happen again?  When will I catch a break?  Goddamnit I hate this jock strap!!

Jess and I sat and discussed it, and then listened to the rest of the message.  The doc said not to get upset, that it still didn’t mean that they wouldn’t be able to find any in the future, and he would discuss more on my post operative checkup next week.  I’m assuming they did more than just search for sperm in the pathology lab.  Maybe they have some answers to why this is happening and possibly a way to fix it.  One thing I know for sure, is that I am not getting my hopes up ever again.  I am going to prepare myself for the worst from now on, because the let down is such a drain on my emotions.  It takes so much out of Jess and I every time the bad news comes.  I think it’s time to start thinking about other possibilities, and settings our minds on that so if I ever do get fixed, it would be like winning the lottery!!