Infertility and Me

Let me start off by saying, I had probably the worst night of sleep I’ve had in about ten years.  I woke up Jess multiple times in need of my pain meds.  I felt so bad every time I woke her up, because I just wanted her to get a good night sleep for her egg retrieval today.  I’m not too sure why, but I was in a little more pain this time around than last.  The only thing I can chalk it up to is that my doc, as he said “Took ALOT!” out of me. 

We all got up at 7am and Jess and Lori got ready to head out.  I didn’t make the trip with them for the egg retrieval, because there is no way I would be able to sit there for that long.  I’m still hurtin’ pretty bad.  The 2 of them set me up on the couch and then headed out.  About ten minutes after they left, the phone here rang.  The caller ID showed me that it was her docs calling.  I knew they would be calling this morning, because we never received a call yesterday about the results of my sperm retrieval (Long story, but someone dropped the ball on that one!)  The lady on the phone introduced herself as Jess’ embryologist.  My stomach starting turning, and all I wanted to say to her was that maybe she should call Jess.  I bunkered down and basically told her to let me have it!  I was ready for the result, I prepared myself for this for months.  The donor sperm was in place, and the result of no sperm would not be news to me!!  Of course I would be a little disappointed, but nowhere near as devastated as I was a year ago.  The next words from the embryologist hit me like a brick right upside my head.  Confusion spread throughout my body and I could feel the tears welling up inside.  I was not ready for this.  I didn’t even know what to say.  I can’t remember exactly what she said, but all I know is that they found sperm.  Not only did they find sperm, but it was of good enough quality to use for ICSI, and there was enough to pick from.  She explained to me the reason they didn’t call yesterday was that while they had found sperm, none were motile last night.  They let them sit overnight and voila, we have motile sperm.  I immediately began to panic, and needed to get a hold of Jess.  The months of preparation for donor, all came crashing down in seconds, and I wasn’t prepared to allow myself  hope again.  I’m still not!  This could all end with devastation again, and it would definitely hurt just as much as the first time I found out that I had no sperm.

My phone call to Jess was awkward, and she could tell by my voice something was wrong.  I gave her the news, and neither of us had anything to say.  I kept repeating to her that i had wish they called her instead of me.  I’m not sure why I wanted this, but I’m thinking it wouldn’t be real if it happened that way.  There wasn’t any discussion, I just told her to talk to the embryologist when she got there.  I waited a little over an hour, and I finally got the call from Lori to let me know they took her in.

Lori explained to me the conversation they had with the embryologist, and what they were going to do.  They are going to use whatever sperm they can from me to fertilize as many eggs as they can first.  The embryologist also stated she wasn’t finished looking through my specimen, so there could be more.  If there are leftover eggs, they will fertilize them with our donor backup “Kurt”!  The fertilized eggs will be stored separately.  We will know much more, tomorrow morning.  There still is the possibility that they won’t be able to use any of mine, so we are not getting our hopes too high!!   All we know for now is they retrieved 13 eggs.  Funny thing is, 13 is my lucky number!!!

When Jess and Lori got home,  Jess was still a little groggy, and we all decided to take a nap!!!  There is nothing more we can do tonight but wait.  Here’s a crude illustration of what is to occur tonight at the lab!!

Jess’ symptoms of the day – she is in a pretty good deal of pain, as to be expected after an egg retrieval.  The bloating is worse, and she is complaining she has back pain. We are currently on a urine watch, because she is not going enough!!!  Lori called the doc, and she said that if Jess doesn’t void enough by 7pm, that we have to go to the ER for her to get catheterized.  Let’s pray for pee!!  I’ll update later with our pee results!!!!!

Jess’ Medications – Ciproflaxin, Medrol, Percocet

Kenny’s Meds – Erythromycin, Perocet

We all got up at the butt crack of dawn.  Her cousin Lori and I headed out first.  We were on the road at 4:45am en route to the slice and dice!!  Jess was able to get up a little bit later, because she had to go get blood work done at 7am.  This is the same time my surgery began, hence my trip with her cousin.  The whole morning went pretty much without a hitch.  I met with my doc and the anesthesiologist, and the rest is a bit blurry!! 

I woke up in recovery with Jess there.  She said the first words out of my mouth were her name in a raspy voice, then me saying, quite loudly may I add, “Did They Get The Stuff?” , “Where’s Lori?”  This was followed by me passing back out in a demerol and morphine stuper.  The next thing I remember is being  wheeled to the second recovery room, meeting up with Jess, and shoving a bagel down my throat!!  For some reason when I come out from anesthesia, I’m always starving!!!!! She gave me the details from the doc as well letting me know that sperm runner (Lori) had completed her mission!!  My doc told her he took  “ALOT” out, as this would be my last try for sperm retrieval.  I’m assuming that is why I’m in a pretty decent amount of pain!! 

For those of you who wonder what they put in the little brown bag of goodness, and what it looks like after the TESE procedure, you can thank Lori.  She snapped a shot of it before she dropped it off!!

We got out of the hospital as soon as they would let me go.  Lori had already made it home and was waiting for us to return.  When we got home, I passed out, and slept till about 4pm.  Our house mommy made us dinner (Chicken Marsala, Yummm!!), and we just sat, and watched some TV.  We are all turning in early tonight.  Tomorrow is Jess’ big day.  I’m probably not going to be able to make it there, but she ‘s got Lori, and I’ll be there in spirit. Lets hope the Easter Bunny comes bearing a basket full of eggs!!

Jess’ symptoms of the day – While still feeling like crap, she is happy to have night off injections.  I’m attributing all her tummy pain to her baseball size ovaries!!  She’s still in good spirits, and focused on the goal!!

No Meds for Jess – Painkillers and Antibiotics for Kenny

The whole doctor free summer thing got shot to hell yesterday.  I was finally ready to return to work.  I made it in and quickly realized there was a problem.  I emailed Jess and told her she needed to call the doc and see what I should do.  At around 1:30, I was on the yellow brick road to Hackensack.  6 hours into to my 24 hour shift I had to call it quits.  Things were happening “down there”, that were not only embarrasing, but very uncomfortable.  I have come to the conclusion, that with all the probing, poking, and whatever else I have had done in my pants, that I have no shame anymore.  It was a little embarrasing to tell the boss and my co-workers why I was leaving, but I did it anyway.  Maybe I’ll get a “cool”  nickname like pee pee pants or something.  Anyway, Jess came with me on this trip.  We got to the office around 3,  and saw the doc.   He wasn’t  too sure why I was having problem, as his operation was not near anything in the urinary tract.  He was definitely sure there was some kind of problem, because during his examination, I was dripping on him!  I did a standard “pee in the cup” test for a urine culture for infection.  That won’t be back for a couple days, but he is convinced there is an infection.  Either some type of urinary tract, or prostate infection.  I think the real problem with this is that  I had this problem for about two weeks.  I attributed it to the surgery, and things just not being right down there.  I didn’t even mention it at the post-op visit.  I guess I really didn’t think about it until yesterday, when it got bad.  I am a complete idiot, that now has to take Cipro for 2 weeks.  There is nothing worse than strong antibiotics over long periods of time!!

Lately, I do not have any luck!  And now the doc has taken me out of work for another 2 weeks.  I’m slowly but surely losing my mind!!

I had my post-op checkup today.  This was the first time I traveled up to Hackensack by myself.  Jess couldn’t get out of work so I was on my own.  It wasn’t too exciting, and no new groundbreaking news.  My doc said the incisions were healing good, and that everything was on the right track.  We discussed the results of the biopsies, and he reiterated that no sperm doesn’t mean any sperm in the future.  He is leaning towards eventually finding something, because of past tests that did find sperm.  He said he knew one thing for sure, was that the areas he took for the biopsy were spermless.  He also drew some more blood, for a chromosome microdeletion test.  The next step is healing.  The varicocele repair won’t show anything for at least 4 months.  I’m set to resume my Hackensack travels in October.  After that, he indicated that there could be more MTESE’s as finding sperm could be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  I guess we’ll have to wait see.  It think it will be nice to have a doctor free summer! 

My slow reaction time, and even slower walking, made me miss an important phone call yesterday.  It was the Doc.  Thankfully, he left a message.  I wasn’t expecting him to call so soon, as he said any pathology results would take about week to get.  I listened to the message, and my heart sank into my stomach, again.  I don’t know what I was expecting.  I thought I had prepared myself to hear it, and not be phased.  I kept thinking that I’m not letting this get me down again, but the same five words that has torn me apart over and over again, did not get any easier to hear.

“We didn’t find any sperm”

I went through the same emotions I have gone through every time I hear this.  Anger, Pain, questions like Why?, How?, What do you mean?  I went through thoughts of -  great, I had this dumb surgery, that has put me in so much pain, taken me out of work, disrupted my entire life, for no reason.  How could this happen again?  When will I catch a break?  Goddamnit I hate this jock strap!!

Jess and I sat and discussed it, and then listened to the rest of the message.  The doc said not to get upset, that it still didn’t mean that they wouldn’t be able to find any in the future, and he would discuss more on my post operative checkup next week.  I’m assuming they did more than just search for sperm in the pathology lab.  Maybe they have some answers to why this is happening and possibly a way to fix it.  One thing I know for sure, is that I am not getting my hopes up ever again.  I am going to prepare myself for the worst from now on, because the let down is such a drain on my emotions.  It takes so much out of Jess and I every time the bad news comes.  I think it’s time to start thinking about other possibilities, and settings our minds on that so if I ever do get fixed, it would be like winning the lottery!!