Jan 15 2010

Hurry Up And Wait!!

This past Monday was probably my last SA.  Needless to say, the results were the same.  BIG FAT ZERO!!  Regardless of how many times I say I am prepared, it always hurts a little to hear it.  Sometimes, I just wish I didn’t care so much.  It’s really draining continually getting bad news.  I’m just tired.  Physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I’ve moved on though.  Even though I feel disconnected at times, I have my sights set to the future, and refuse to look back.  This last SA has really prepared me for the next cycle, which will inevitably end up with donor sperm for our baby batter.  I’m at peace with the decision, and will have no regrets.  I tried everything!!!  The last try will be the attempt at sperm retrieval (ouch!!) to coincide with Jess’ cycle.

On Wednesday, we took our first step towards our next cycle only to be slapped in the face, and pushed back (again!).  It seems that Jess’ monthly friend decided not to come for a visit this month (of course).  I know what your gonna say, and have heard it already, so please just don’t!  It is scientifically, physically, mathematically, and whatever other big word that ends with ally, impossible for Jess to be pregnant.  Unless this is a whole Mary the immaculate virgin kinda thing, let me repeat, it is impossible!!!!    The whole “Well, maybe your pregnant”, is not what we want to hear right now!  To be frank, it’s quite distracting, and a little rude.  Even the RE didn’t go there when we had our consult for the next cycle.  Anyway, we wanted to get things moving this week and hopefully have a date for sometime late February, early March.  Depending on when her menses comes, will determine when we can get this show on the road.  It’s not like Jess to miss it either, she has been regular her entire life.  It’s just the next hurdle thrown in the path that needs to be cleared.  Hopefully it is sooner than later! 

While we were at our consult, we discussed all the procedures I’ve had, as well as the donor stuff.  Our RE even called his embryologist to make sure we were picking from a reputable  company.  She gave us a big thumbs up which was a relief!  We have already spent sooooooo much time narrowing down the companies, down to the 2 donors we like.  To have to start that all over again would not only be a pain in the ass, but a deep blow to the gut as well. 

We both had blood drawn, and were sent on our way to wait for the gift that keeps on giving, old AF!!!!!  So, if possible, I need everyone to do the period dance and pray to the menstrual gods!  Maybe that will get the ball rolling!!

Before I go, I have to get this out of my head.  While I was writing this post, a song came on the radio, that really made me think about the last year and how I could have never made it through this with anyone else.  I’m not so good with words, so this will have to do.  Jess, this is exactly how I feel.

“You Raise Me Up”

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.

There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.

*Written By Rolf Lovland and Brendan Graham, Performed by Josh Groban*

27 Responses to “Hurry Up And Wait!!”

  • Jess Says:

    I love you !

  • Becca Says:

    I am doing the AF dance and hoping that she shows up soon at your house 🙂 Here’s hoping that y’all get a BFP on the first try! And yeah, “sperm retrieval” does not sound fun at all….

  • Jem Says:

    Having been in the same zero-count boat (not me, but Mr. Jem), I can sympathize. Mr. Jem had a biopsy the morning of my egg retreival. He’s such my hero! We were lucky and came up with some sperm, so we didn’t need to use the donor sperm we bought.

    Tell Jess to wear white pants and white panties and not bring any protection with her to work and she’ll be sure to start AF.

    Kenny Reply:

    @Jem, This will be my third attempt at sperm retreival. First on was with an IVF cycle, and zero sperm, second was a diagnostic biopsy with no sperm and the next on with be the same as the diagnostic biopsy but with an IVF cycle and donor backup.

  • Fertility Guy Says:

    Doing the dance here – please do the same for us as my wife is also playing the waiting game with a period that is MIA.

    For what it’s worth, it’s never easier for me to hear “no sperm” after yet another SA. I have yet to do the retrieval but we’re likely going to head that route. I’m stocking up on frozen veg as I fear I may need to line my pants with them after.

    Kenny Reply:

    @Fertility Guy, It’s not too bad, my first was a PESA, the second was a micro dissection Tese, along with a varicocele repair. I was in pain from the varicocele repair more than the MTESE. Next one is going to be the same as the last one, so I’ll let you know!

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  • Katie Says:

    I really don’t understand why people would say things like “well maybe you’re pregnant!” That has to get old really fast. I’ll be sending Jess lots of AF vibes and I hope the first try with donor sperm results in a BFP. 🙂

  • AmandaMqn Says:

    SAs are always killer for us too. I love how positive you “sound” and wish you lots of luck! Sending AF vibes to Jess~~~~~~~

  • MommyinWaiting Says:

    So sorry to hear your SA results. I can relate to how it just doesn’t get any easier (also not me but HopelesslyTTC). Good luck with the next extraction, here’s hoping it turns up some little guys! And I’m not sure what the period dance looks like, but I’ll do a jig and hope it works!

  • Marisa Says:

    I hope that AF comes soon. The white pants recommendation unfortunately seems to work 🙂

    kimbosue Reply:

    Hope that bitch AF shows her ugly head soon!

  • T Lee Says:

    The AF issue is usually just Murphy’s Law (the same rule which applies to the white pants getting it to come back again, lol). Good luck with everything- here’s hoping that you get lucky on the sperm retrieval this time, and here’s to having peace with it if you don’t.


  • Junebug Says:

    I dread that “maybe your pregnant” line. Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I just laugh. It is nice to know others feel the same and I’m not just being too insensitive.

  • Willow Says:

    Hope AF shows up fast and that’s great you are moving forward on choosing a donor. That’s got to be hard but you sound so positive and that’s great to hear. Here’s to the Year of the Baby!

  • Jenn Says:

    I didn’t know you have a blog! Us fellow Jerseyans (is that right?) need to stick together. I wish you both all the luck on your new cycle!
    P.S. If RMA pisses me off ONCE more …we will be looking into IVFNJ!

  • Rach Says:

    Heres to this definitely being the YEAR OF THE BABY for you!


  • Missy Says:

    It never fails: when you don’t want your period, it comes right on time. But when you want it to come, it finds a way to stay away. So frustrating.


  • Christina Says:

    Hoping that your wife’s AF shows soon. I love the song you posted, too. Good luck with this cycle!


  • BelowAverageAthlete Says:

    Great song! I am hoping that AF shows up soon. Waiting is the worst, especially when you can’t explain it.


  • Wishing4One Says:

    Doing a little dance over here in the Land of the Pharaohs for AF to show her ass. Hey I have also declared 2010 the Year of the Baby, been saying since end of 2009. So my friend bring on the babies. Here from ICLW and a new follower indeed.

  • Christa Says:

    Be careful, asking people to pray to the menstrual gods during ICLW might get you a torrential downpour! Good luck on the next cycle!

  • Rain Says:

    My DH has low counts/low motility. I will direct him to this blog (as I do with others) so that he doesn’t feel so alone in this journey.

    I wish you guys the best!

    Happy ICLW.

  • Kristin Says:

    What a beautiful tribute to your wife. Hoping and praying the next cycle is the one that brings you your baby.

  • Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    Crossing my fingers and praying hard that AF shows up soon so that you guys can move forward.


  • Kenny Says:

    Thank you all for the support, it is overwhelming!!

  • zanymermaid Says:

    What an inspiring beautiful song! This is the first infertility blog I have read that has been written by a man and I’m impressed with your sensitivity and strength while facing this difficult situation with your dear wife.

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